Random Musings

You know, I love to travel. I have lived and visted many places in my life up to now. I have traveled way more than the average person. I didn't realize this, until I started talking to people and realized that most folks don't travel very far from their own home. Let's see, where have I lived? I have lived in South Dakota, Minnesota, Hawaii, Colorado, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Ohio, Germany, and Kansas. In the U.S. I have visited (including where I have lived) starting west and moving east: Hawaii, Alaska, California, Washington, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Wisconsin, South Dakota, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Vermont, New Hampshire, West Virginia, and Georgia. I think that's it. My favorite places in the U.S. are all of Hawaii, Alaska, parts of Colorado, New York City, and Chicago. In terms of countries,...

about nothing.......

I am in a crappy mood. I haven't gotten much sleep, so I am sure that is what it is. Work is annoying, my marriage is pissing me off, I don't want to buy a house anymore....blah, blah, blah....The whole world sucks.....But I know it is just a mood and if I get sleep, it will pass. I am in such a bad mood, that I thought I wanted to type this, and now I don't. So, I guess what I will do is just sign off for right now. It is really interesting how perspective changes just based on the mood your in. Most of the time I am in a pretty good mood, or at least content...but when I don't get enough sleep, or I am stressed, it all goes to hell. What can I say....I am human....

I could totally get in trouble for doing this....but oh, well. Hopefully no one will find out. Haven't been feeling that well the last few days. Caught something, but am starting to feel a bit better. Things are going well. I guess the newest news is that I have been looking for a house to buy. This is somewhat stressful. Although I want it, I am not sure how long we will be here. The housing market is down, but I think we can rent it out if we decide to leave within a year or so. I have to say that I like the stability of living in one place and having my wife around more. It makes life easier. Jobs are coming up, but I don't think I will apply because of the house and this job. The job is the same. People here aren't going to change. I haven't been in the best of moods the past few days, and I am sure that is because of my feeling bad. Need to get plenty of rest. I am very tired. Oh, I have also been watching my weight and diet very closely since coming...

So, I haven't written for a while. Well, what's new. What's so strange about these Blogs is that I do this annonymously and no one kn0ws that I type this. If they really wanted to know how I felt all they would have to do is check my Blog out. Anyway, not sure if I reach anyone with any of these, but it is therapeutic for me nonetheless. As many know, I have done some soul searching lately....probably the last 6 months for sure. I have revealed a number of weird things about my personality/character that I want to change. Mostly to do with all the negative shit that I spew at myself all the time. I realize now that I jump to conclusions, get irrational, and it all has caused me great pain. I have also held grudges which have gone no where except to hurt me. At any rate, things are looking much brighter now-a-days. Been really working hard on myself. Strangely, as I have been working hard on myself, a number of other areas, namely professional, have also improved. I...

Went to a meeting today and they talked about giving it up to a higher power. I intellectually understand this, but it is hard. I have not really "found" my higher power. I am on a search, and sometimes I think I have it within reach, but to no avail. I understand that the "higher power" is god, but I question if god exists. I guess the faith is in not questioning whether something like a god exists, but letting go, and trusting that you were put on this earth by a power that is much larger than yourself and to accept them. They understand you, they know what is best for you, and they know what your plan is, even if you don't. When I was a kid I used to look up at the stars at night and wonder how this all could have happened. It was so overwhelming. I remember thinking that I, as a human being, would never be able to understand because I am limited, and only of this earth. I mean the univese goes on forever, or at least when I was young it did. I use...

I need to start writing more. This is a good way for me to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and dispute them if need be. Since starting on this new journey of self-discovery and recovery I have had alot of revelations about myself. I started going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting because I thought it might help me feel more connected and help me sort out my own feeling and thoughts. I have been talking to my wife and realized that I am a total control freak. Not just a little controlling, but very controlling. So, controlling that I will purposely sabotage good things happening to me in order to stay in control. Doesn't make sense, right? I have recently realized that yelling, screaming, going into rages, not calling my parents, not completing assignments and tasks that need to be done is a way for me to control my environment. I thought I was feeling overwhelmed, but there isn't anything here that I cannot handle. I can do all of it and then some, but ...

Hey there- Been awhile since I wrote (I think September). Been pretty busy. Just got back from a business trip to D.C. That was nice and kind of energizing. Lost around 15 pounds, bought a dog, have published a co-authored paper, and took a little 4 day weekend to West Virginia with my wife. Things have been going pretty well. My wife and I have been really starting to work on our relationship. I realized for the first time that I wasn't completely responsible for all of our troubles. She has contributed as well and we both share the blame. It came to a head last night when I wrote her a check for the cost of the rent for the entire lease and said that that should be fair because she isn't there that often (9-12 days a month). She got offended and that led into a very big discussion, not an argument, but a discussion. For the first time, we seriously contemplated separating. I was able to talk openly about how it made me feel when she would put me down. I then said ...

Well, it's been a bit since I wrote. So, I thought I would. I don't really pay that much attention to the news--it depresses me and I feel it is sensationalistic. It purposely focuses on all of the bad in humanity and seldom, especially now-a-days focuses on what is good in humanity. I guess it is all about ratings. I have been so out of the loop that even my wife knew something that I didn't. I didn't know that there was a recall on all the spinach in the U.S. I was at Wal-Mart (yes, that is another discussion altogether) and I was buying food. I was going to buy one of those bags of spinach. I don't know what brought me to want that, I usually buy it fresh, but anyway...I went up the counter and they said I couldn't buy it. I kept thinking....what am I going to snort this shit or what. It's spinach, let me buy it! Then my wife said, you didn't hear about the spinach recall? And I said "what spinach recall". Then she told me....This got me thi...

Well, it's been a bit since I wrote. So, I thought I would. I don't really pay that much attention to the news--it depresses me and I feel it is sensationalistic. It purposely focuses on all of the bad in humanity and seldom, especially now-a-days focuses on what is good in humanity. I guess it is all about ratings. I have been so out of the loop that even my wife knew something that I didn't. I didn't know that there was a recall on all the spinach in the U.S. I was at Wal-Mart (yes, that is another discussion altogether) and I was buying food. I was going to buy one of those bags of spinach. I don't know what brought me to want that, I usually buy it fresh, but anyway...I went up the counter and they said I couldn't buy it. I kept thinking....what am I going to snort this shit or what. It's spinach, let me buy it! Then my wife said, you didn't hear about the spinach recall? And I said "what spinach recall". Then she told me....T...

Well, I am actually at work and not working.....go figure. So, I thought I would write a paragraph or two. I have been recently doing a sort of moral inventory of myself and my behavior. Some of the time I am good, some not so good. I guess I really shouldn't judge myself harshly, but I am being honest. I have a tendency to fly off the handle when things don't go my way. Yet, I am a loving and caring man. I have a tendency to shut out the world if things aren't the way I want them to be. I know that is completely 'grade school', but I think i got that from my mom. She always played, and continues to play, the passive agressive game. I, today, am making a pact with myself, to end the cycle of passive aggressiveness in our family. I haven't called my family for a while (a month actually) and I need to. I need to check in, they need to know how I am doing, and I need to know how they are doing. My parents aren't getting younger, so it is vital that ...

I was watching the news and Brian Williams was interviewing George Bush while in New Orleans to "celebrate" the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. They then pan a shot of the entire area, some new houses are being built, but most of it is just rubble and utter distruction. The story is one we have all heard: one year later and most people haven't moved back to New Orleans, the rebuilding efforts are being held up by crooked insurance companies, government bureaucracy, and an apathetic America divided about what to do about the increasing divide between the social classes. In the midst of all this chaos and distruction, hard hitting Brain Williams decides to ask George Bush, "So, what are you reading these days?" HUH? What the f*&%! Then, in clear view of all these ruined lives, the President goes on about how his mother suggested he read French Philosophy and that he has recently finished reading some volumes of Shakespear. Well, give the man a hand! Good fo...

Angela Landsbury....where are you? We need you now!

The caption to this photo said: "Dan Angry at Genocide" For some reason, that cracked me up. I have never seen anyones face when they were actively being angered by the thought of Genocide. Is it disbelief? Is it shock and awe? Maybe it is disgust? Or, is it the feeling of diarrhea coming on....Now I know what that looks like, just in case I run across it....

Well, it's Sunday and I am all alone in my apartment. My wife is away, so I have been doing work this weekend. Finished up some important paperwork for the last place I worked. I am glad to get that off my plate. Back to work tomorrow. Things have slowed considerably at work. I am addicted to SIMCITY. Strange, I know, but I love creating things, especially cities and urban planning stuff. Should have been an architect or urban planner. I guess it is never too late, but I have invested too much time in my current career to call it quits-at least not yet. Not much to report today. Went to church. I am not a big church goer. Never have been. But occassionally I will go because I feel the need to. Sometimes I feel it is grounding. Strange thing is, I'm not baptised, but that doesn't stop me. You know, its not like everyone goes around asking if I dunked my head in water when I was a baby. My parents are NOT RELIGOUS at all. Typical secular types, and very suspicous of any relig...

Worst Singing Ever, In a Stadium Setting Now this is talent...maybe I will be able to be big star after all....

I will probably go to hell for this, but I think Jessica Fletcher needs to solve this case. Ten years, come on, get a real detective on the case. I mean every time this women went to visit a relative, they ended up dead! Luckily she came to solve the murder mystery. But don't you think relatives would start saying...."you know, Jessica, we're too busy for company this weekend" Hire Jessica-Case Closed!!!

My Boss is this old lady who is clueless. I mean really clueless. Sometimes I wonder if she is on the same planet. She always has to re-explain herself. Her sentences always start with "what I mean is....." Not that she is stupid, because she isn't. She actually will say halfway intelligent things, occassionally. But otherwise it is a garbeled (sp) mess. I can't take any direction from her and she can't mentor me because I know more than her--and she knows it. Sometimes that is a dangerous place to be. If I wanted to stay here, I would be worried, but because I could care a less, I don't. She is really nice to me and so it is hard for me to be angry, but she screws things up. She just got back from sick leave, where she was gone for 7 weeks. She left this project incomplete and it was due. It turned out that it was completely done wrong. She didn't import the data correctly, didn't interpret the data correctly. She didn't do shit right....

There is nothing like telling it like it is:

About 7 years ago I was a director of a center for people with mental illness. These kind of people weren't just down in the dumps, but were truly crazy. I mean I worked with one guy who killed his whole family. Serious shit...They weree in and out jails, state psychiatric hospitals, etc..A really sad situation, but there were some really funny times. That was what was so strange about that job, while the people were strange and obviously crazy it was one of the funnest jobs I ever had. I got to see such crazy behavior, stuff you would never expect from people...crazier than anything you would ever imagine. Anyway, I thought I would share some of my stories. This one is about a guy I used to work with who was Schizophrenic. He was real sick, one of the sickest Schizophrenics I have ever worked with. Anyway, I used to drive him around helping him get his life in order. You know, help him with groceries, laundry, go to Drs. offices, get medications, jobs, etc.. One day we wer...