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Control Freak

I need to start writing more. This is a good way for me to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and dispute them if need be. Since starting on this new journey of self-discovery and recovery I have had alot of revelations about myself. I started going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting because I thought it might help me feel more connected and help me sort out my own feeling and thoughts. I have been talking to my wife and realized that I am a total control freak. Not just a little controlling, but very controlling. So, controlling that I will purposely sabotage good things happening to me in order to stay in control. Doesn't make sense, right? I have recently realized that yelling, screaming, going into rages, not calling my parents, not completing assignments and tasks that need to be done is a way for me to control my environment. I thought I was feeling overwhelmed, but there isn't anything here that I cannot handle. I can do all of it and then some, but for some reason, I specifically chose not to. I feel stuck much of the time. Do I enjoy living in misery? Do I enjoy beating up on myself? I realized that if I don't call my parents, then I am in control. I am the one calling the shots--I am punishing them for being bad parents. As though they don't already know it. The only person I am hurting by not acknowledging my parents is me. I guess I thought that punishing them would get back at them, you know "show them" how terrible they are. Then, what this does is it makes my feelings fester even more about them and then I ruminate and ruminate about how bad things are--like "why haven't they called?" The very thing that I do to keep in control actually casues me to lose control. Go figure. When they don't call and I don't call I start ruminating about how bad things are, start feeling sorry for myself, and then I ruminate about losing control over my health, marriage, my relationship with my family, my career-- you name it. That then spirals out of control until I start having panic attacks, stomach problems, anxiety attacks, and can't seem to focus on anything else but the worry. I have started to think that I need to give myself permission to ruminate and worry--but only at certain times-like when I journal. That way it doesn't consume my entire day. I am losing out on so much with all of this worry.

When my marriage started feeling like it was on the rocks, what was my solution? Divorce. That way I, once again, have control. If things aren't exactly the way I want them to be, then I must rid myself of the people or situation. I don't want my marriage to end, not really. I am scared of myself. But I have a wonderful person in my life, and I want her to be there for the long run. I need to let go. I guess I thought if she wouldn't move to Columbus full time, she must not love me. She must only be thinking of herself. Yet, this is probably more what I am doing than what she is doing. I listened to too many people telling me negative things like it wouldn't work, or that she was selfish, or that she wasn't ever going to move. Almost insinuating that I was not in control. And I know myself--I can't let people think that I am out of control. Even if their advice is wrong. People have their own shit, and I need to realize that.

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