Random Musings

I had a psychologist appointment today and he said I have a lot of insight into everything that has happened to me in my life, but I need to move towards having insight into my past and into how it can inform my future so I can improve upon myself.... In other words, I need to not live in my past. We were talking about how I sabotage my relationships and have issues with intimacy. I reflected that it was about a number of things that happened to me in the past, but haven't really moved past these issues of trust and security. I tend to only give so much of myself in a relationship and then when it breaks down it is usually because of my neglect of the relationship or something I purposely did to sabotage it, like cheating. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to find someone, and completely commit to them. I need to make the commitment and stick to it. If I can't meet my needs through that person, then I need to cut it off and move on. Or, I need to understand that...

So, my house flooded a couple weeks ago with the heavy storms that came through the area over a 24 hour period. It was some intense storms. As a result my tenants home flooded. They were nice, but I could tell they were very upset. I got the sump pump fixed. I also paid to have all the drains in the house fixed to make sure that they are properly draining. With all that done, and thousands spent, there is still no guarantee that the house will not flood again. It is so upsetting. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything and am very, very stressed out. Work has been very busy and stressful as well. I am happy to have my job, and I love it, but I have just been under the gun lately. I also had to do some consulting and that came on at the same time as all of this. It has been one thing after another. And then I had a health scare that was pretty serious. It is clearing up thank god, but it really stressed me out. I did go to a friends house last night for movie night and ...

Boy lots has happened since I wrote in this blog.... I have divorced my wife, I am still in the same job though. I came out to my family and friends. I was in a three and a half year relationship with a guy half my age. That ended. I am happier now than ever, but I still have ups and downs. I am still trying to figure myself out, but I am at a much better place in my life now. I have regrets, but I understand why I had to go through the things I did to get where I am. I get why I never came out to anyone. When I grew up it was not a great idea. It was scary. I was literally beaten up, so I buried that deep within me. The divorce was really tough, it was a nasty divorce. I should have expected it. I am glad that is over and that she moved on. I hope she is happy. In the end, she really was the one that forced the issue. Of course she should, and although it was really bitter and full of anger, it helped me realize I had to live my life authentically, or I would go on to hurt a...