Random Musings

Well, it looks like the layoff is official and I am part of it. I am having a hard time with this. I worked soo hard for this job and its projects and now I'm going to be gone. I created the projects, collected the data, analyzed the data, wrote up the results. Now, someone else is going to be able to get all of the data and continue the project that I created. Very upsetting and unjust. This guy is bumping into my position within the office. The office has become very toxic as a result. Even though I know it is not my fault and that state budget deficits and cuts have caused this, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I know that I am on the bottom of th totem pole because I was one of the last hires, so I was vulnerable to being cut, but it still hurts real bad. I know this isn't the end of the world, and I will find another job, it will just take some time. I want to go on the academic job market this year. I want that to be my next move..teach and do resear...

Well, I haven't really written anything in a while, actually since my mother's passing. Life has been stressful...and I want it to end. Not my life, just the stress. My work is experiencing widespread layoffs. Actually not that widespread. 15 people are being laid off and because it is the goverment, they have bumping rights. So, I am the lowest man on the totem pole, so I may be bumped. I am pretty pissed because I have worked real hard on some of my research projects and now someone else may get to do them, even though they didn't even come up with the ideas, the concepts, nothing. They may even be able to publish off of them! That is really pissing me off. Not that loosing my job is bad enough, but then having someone just take my ideas and act as though they are theirs...that is the worst part. I am not really sure any of this will happen. I really hope not. I pray that it will all be okay...and that they will take the lay off themselves and not bump another per...

I think this is hillarious. At least prisoners are doing something productive with their time....

I love my wife more than words can say. Every year I just fall deeper and deeper in love with her. I never thought that would happen, but it has, and it makes me so happy, so content with life.

Well, I am at work at lunch. I don't think we are allowed to do this, so maybe I will get fired. I doubt it though. It's my lunch. Got some sleep last night, not enough to catch up, but I still slept from 11:30 to 6:30ish. So, roughly 7 hours. I am still very tired and will likely go to bed early tonight. I was proud that I got to sleep at 11:30 instead of my usual 12:30, 1:00am. That is progress to me. My sleep was constantly interrupted by a car alarm that kept going off last night. Really bugged me. My wife is in Palm Springs and she is having a pretty good time from what I can tell. She says she doesn't want to be there because she is there for work and I am not there. I believe her. She isn't the type that likes to travel alot. More of a homebody. I am more and more that way myself. Especially lately. However, I feel an itch to get out of here and go on a vacation. Maybe the Carribean. Not sure. My dad is coming in July, so I am looking forward to...

Didn't get much sleep last night, so tonight, I sleep. Will take a shower and get ready for bed early. That way I can unwind with little on my mind. Don't know why I can't sleep. Some nights I am fine, but for some reason, my brain doesn't want to go to sleep until after midnight. I need more sleep. It is driving me insane. I need to make this a priority.

Pocket rocket anyone?! Hahahaha

Hmmmmm.....I'm hungry........

This is funny.....very true.......dedicated to my little kitty...who is sleeping....as always!!!

This is hilarious. This guy speaks the truth. Everytime I see some old guy with a young chick I always think "she's hoping he's going to kick the bucket any day". Why would some gorgeous woman want to marry a guy with 5 years of life left...it ain't love that's for sure......gold digger...or maybe "grave digger"

I wrote a eulogy for mom and read it at her service. I love and miss you, mom: They say a person’s greatest strength is often also their greatest weakness. I believe mom’s greatest strength was her generosity and selflessness. Mom’s focus was always on her family and their welfare, not on herself. As a wife, mom was second to none. She wanted nothing more than my dad’s success and happiness. Mom’s happiness was my dad’s happiness. When I was a child I remember my dad coming home from work and they would lie on the bed and talk for hours about my dad’s day. My dad’s happiness meant the world to mom. And I enjoyed watching it because it made my mom smile. Mom also put her children before herself. Mom’s favorite holiday was Christmas. She loved everything about it. She created traditions I cherish to this day. I always got so excited for the elves to come, to open a day on the advent calendar, or to eat Schnitzel and Pommes Frits. When the day finally arrived I was so excited...

My mother passed away on March 2, 2008 at 6:30 in the morning. She went quietly in her sleep. I went home about three weeks ago because she had an exacerbation of her symptoms from COPD. She was in the ICU and was intubated. It was terrible to see my mother sick like that. She was delirous at times and didn't even know where she was, who was around, what time it was, the date, or anything. She slowly gained back her senses, but it took about 7 days. Then they released her back home. So, I stayed for two days and she seemed like the old mom. Still sick, but much better than what her condition was in the ICU. I was soo sad to see my mom suffer like that. She was soo afraid of dying and of sufficating to death. She often couldn't breathe. It scared me soo much. I knew she would pass away, but didn't know when. I really thought she would have at least 3 to 6 months left. But, in only three weeks she was back in the ICU and they told my dad that if they intubated her again that ...

You know, I love to travel. I have lived and visted many places in my life up to now. I have traveled way more than the average person. I didn't realize this, until I started talking to people and realized that most folks don't travel very far from their own home. Let's see, where have I lived? I have lived in South Dakota, Minnesota, Hawaii, Colorado, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Ohio, Germany, and Kansas. In the U.S. I have visited (including where I have lived) starting west and moving east: Hawaii, Alaska, California, Washington, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Wisconsin, South Dakota, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Vermont, New Hampshire, West Virginia, and Georgia. I think that's it. My favorite places in the U.S. are all of Hawaii, Alaska, parts of Colorado, New York City, and Chicago. In terms of countries,...

about nothing.......

I am in a crappy mood. I haven't gotten much sleep, so I am sure that is what it is. Work is annoying, my marriage is pissing me off, I don't want to buy a house anymore....blah, blah, blah....The whole world sucks.....But I know it is just a mood and if I get sleep, it will pass. I am in such a bad mood, that I thought I wanted to type this, and now I don't. So, I guess what I will do is just sign off for right now. It is really interesting how perspective changes just based on the mood your in. Most of the time I am in a pretty good mood, or at least content...but when I don't get enough sleep, or I am stressed, it all goes to hell. What can I say....I am human....

I could totally get in trouble for doing this....but oh, well. Hopefully no one will find out. Haven't been feeling that well the last few days. Caught something, but am starting to feel a bit better. Things are going well. I guess the newest news is that I have been looking for a house to buy. This is somewhat stressful. Although I want it, I am not sure how long we will be here. The housing market is down, but I think we can rent it out if we decide to leave within a year or so. I have to say that I like the stability of living in one place and having my wife around more. It makes life easier. Jobs are coming up, but I don't think I will apply because of the house and this job. The job is the same. People here aren't going to change. I haven't been in the best of moods the past few days, and I am sure that is because of my feeling bad. Need to get plenty of rest. I am very tired. Oh, I have also been watching my weight and diet very closely since coming...

So, I haven't written for a while. Well, what's new. What's so strange about these Blogs is that I do this annonymously and no one kn0ws that I type this. If they really wanted to know how I felt all they would have to do is check my Blog out. Anyway, not sure if I reach anyone with any of these, but it is therapeutic for me nonetheless. As many know, I have done some soul searching lately....probably the last 6 months for sure. I have revealed a number of weird things about my personality/character that I want to change. Mostly to do with all the negative shit that I spew at myself all the time. I realize now that I jump to conclusions, get irrational, and it all has caused me great pain. I have also held grudges which have gone no where except to hurt me. At any rate, things are looking much brighter now-a-days. Been really working hard on myself. Strangely, as I have been working hard on myself, a number of other areas, namely professional, have also improved. I...

Went to a meeting today and they talked about giving it up to a higher power. I intellectually understand this, but it is hard. I have not really "found" my higher power. I am on a search, and sometimes I think I have it within reach, but to no avail. I understand that the "higher power" is god, but I question if god exists. I guess the faith is in not questioning whether something like a god exists, but letting go, and trusting that you were put on this earth by a power that is much larger than yourself and to accept them. They understand you, they know what is best for you, and they know what your plan is, even if you don't. When I was a kid I used to look up at the stars at night and wonder how this all could have happened. It was so overwhelming. I remember thinking that I, as a human being, would never be able to understand because I am limited, and only of this earth. I mean the univese goes on forever, or at least when I was young it did. I use...

I need to start writing more. This is a good way for me to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and dispute them if need be. Since starting on this new journey of self-discovery and recovery I have had alot of revelations about myself. I started going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting because I thought it might help me feel more connected and help me sort out my own feeling and thoughts. I have been talking to my wife and realized that I am a total control freak. Not just a little controlling, but very controlling. So, controlling that I will purposely sabotage good things happening to me in order to stay in control. Doesn't make sense, right? I have recently realized that yelling, screaming, going into rages, not calling my parents, not completing assignments and tasks that need to be done is a way for me to control my environment. I thought I was feeling overwhelmed, but there isn't anything here that I cannot handle. I can do all of it and then some, but ...

Hey there- Been awhile since I wrote (I think September). Been pretty busy. Just got back from a business trip to D.C. That was nice and kind of energizing. Lost around 15 pounds, bought a dog, have published a co-authored paper, and took a little 4 day weekend to West Virginia with my wife. Things have been going pretty well. My wife and I have been really starting to work on our relationship. I realized for the first time that I wasn't completely responsible for all of our troubles. She has contributed as well and we both share the blame. It came to a head last night when I wrote her a check for the cost of the rent for the entire lease and said that that should be fair because she isn't there that often (9-12 days a month). She got offended and that led into a very big discussion, not an argument, but a discussion. For the first time, we seriously contemplated separating. I was able to talk openly about how it made me feel when she would put me down. I then said ...