Random Musings

I had a psychologist appointment today and he said I have a lot of insight into everything that has happened to me in my life, but I need to move towards having insight into my past and into how it can inform my future so I can improve upon myself.... In other words, I need to not live in my past. We were talking about how I sabotage my relationships and have issues with intimacy. I reflected that it was about a number of things that happened to me in the past, but haven't really moved past these issues of trust and security. I tend to only give so much of myself in a relationship and then when it breaks down it is usually because of my neglect of the relationship or something I purposely did to sabotage it, like cheating. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to find someone, and completely commit to them. I need to make the commitment and stick to it. If I can't meet my needs through that person, then I need to cut it off and move on. Or, I need to understand that...

So, my house flooded a couple weeks ago with the heavy storms that came through the area over a 24 hour period. It was some intense storms. As a result my tenants home flooded. They were nice, but I could tell they were very upset. I got the sump pump fixed. I also paid to have all the drains in the house fixed to make sure that they are properly draining. With all that done, and thousands spent, there is still no guarantee that the house will not flood again. It is so upsetting. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything and am very, very stressed out. Work has been very busy and stressful as well. I am happy to have my job, and I love it, but I have just been under the gun lately. I also had to do some consulting and that came on at the same time as all of this. It has been one thing after another. And then I had a health scare that was pretty serious. It is clearing up thank god, but it really stressed me out. I did go to a friends house last night for movie night and ...

Boy lots has happened since I wrote in this blog.... I have divorced my wife, I am still in the same job though. I came out to my family and friends. I was in a three and a half year relationship with a guy half my age. That ended. I am happier now than ever, but I still have ups and downs. I am still trying to figure myself out, but I am at a much better place in my life now. I have regrets, but I understand why I had to go through the things I did to get where I am. I get why I never came out to anyone. When I grew up it was not a great idea. It was scary. I was literally beaten up, so I buried that deep within me. The divorce was really tough, it was a nasty divorce. I should have expected it. I am glad that is over and that she moved on. I hope she is happy. In the end, she really was the one that forced the issue. Of course she should, and although it was really bitter and full of anger, it helped me realize I had to live my life authentically, or I would go on to hurt a...

Wow, has it been a long time since I wrote on this blog. I will write more often. Well, much has happened since the last time I wrote. Since that was years ago. Been very busy with life, etc... Osama Bin Laden was killed this past week. I am not happy that anyone ever is killed. I am a pacifist, so it goes against my beliefs. When Sept. 11th happened I have to say I wasn't surprised. I wondered if we would be attacked like that at some point. As a country we have exploited poorer, less developed countries for soo long, it was just a matter of time. I believe if it wasn't Bin Laden it would have been someone else eventually. I am not saying I believe what he did is right, I don't. What he did was cowardly and inexcusable, but not surprising. I was actually amazed by the surprise of people by the whole incident. The United States has learned alot from that experience. 1) We are not isolated in this world; 2) There are consequences for exploiting others; 3) The wo...

I voted for Obama and am truly happy he won. I think we need a different party in office right now and for the foreseeable future. That said, I don't buy that the two parties, republicans or democrats, are really all that different when you strip them down to their human elements. Both parties want to have power...and human beings should ALWAYS be weary of power thirsty people or groups, regardless of their good intentions. Someone always loses out in the deal. This country has been in for this struggle for some time now. My feeling is that Americans, myself included, have been very greedy at the expense of others for a long time. Don't get me wrong, America does a lot of wonderful things for other countries and for causes that advance human rights and dignity, but with strings attached. I believe it is our countries responsibility as a member of the human race, after all we have more money than any other country on the planet. We mustn't forget the old adage 'you...

Well, it looks like the layoff is official and I am part of it. I am having a hard time with this. I worked soo hard for this job and its projects and now I'm going to be gone. I created the projects, collected the data, analyzed the data, wrote up the results. Now, someone else is going to be able to get all of the data and continue the project that I created. Very upsetting and unjust. This guy is bumping into my position within the office. The office has become very toxic as a result. Even though I know it is not my fault and that state budget deficits and cuts have caused this, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I know that I am on the bottom of th totem pole because I was one of the last hires, so I was vulnerable to being cut, but it still hurts real bad. I know this isn't the end of the world, and I will find another job, it will just take some time. I want to go on the academic job market this year. I want that to be my next move..teach and do resear...

Well, I haven't really written anything in a while, actually since my mother's passing. Life has been stressful...and I want it to end. Not my life, just the stress. My work is experiencing widespread layoffs. Actually not that widespread. 15 people are being laid off and because it is the goverment, they have bumping rights. So, I am the lowest man on the totem pole, so I may be bumped. I am pretty pissed because I have worked real hard on some of my research projects and now someone else may get to do them, even though they didn't even come up with the ideas, the concepts, nothing. They may even be able to publish off of them! That is really pissing me off. Not that loosing my job is bad enough, but then having someone just take my ideas and act as though they are theirs...that is the worst part. I am not really sure any of this will happen. I really hope not. I pray that it will all be okay...and that they will take the lay off themselves and not bump another per...

I think this is hillarious. At least prisoners are doing something productive with their time....

I love my wife more than words can say. Every year I just fall deeper and deeper in love with her. I never thought that would happen, but it has, and it makes me so happy, so content with life.

Well, I am at work at lunch. I don't think we are allowed to do this, so maybe I will get fired. I doubt it though. It's my lunch. Got some sleep last night, not enough to catch up, but I still slept from 11:30 to 6:30ish. So, roughly 7 hours. I am still very tired and will likely go to bed early tonight. I was proud that I got to sleep at 11:30 instead of my usual 12:30, 1:00am. That is progress to me. My sleep was constantly interrupted by a car alarm that kept going off last night. Really bugged me. My wife is in Palm Springs and she is having a pretty good time from what I can tell. She says she doesn't want to be there because she is there for work and I am not there. I believe her. She isn't the type that likes to travel alot. More of a homebody. I am more and more that way myself. Especially lately. However, I feel an itch to get out of here and go on a vacation. Maybe the Carribean. Not sure. My dad is coming in July, so I am looking forward to...

Didn't get much sleep last night, so tonight, I sleep. Will take a shower and get ready for bed early. That way I can unwind with little on my mind. Don't know why I can't sleep. Some nights I am fine, but for some reason, my brain doesn't want to go to sleep until after midnight. I need more sleep. It is driving me insane. I need to make this a priority.

Pocket rocket anyone?! Hahahaha

Hmmmmm.....I'm hungry........

This is funny.....very true.......dedicated to my little kitty...who is sleeping....as always!!!

This is hilarious. This guy speaks the truth. Everytime I see some old guy with a young chick I always think "she's hoping he's going to kick the bucket any day". Why would some gorgeous woman want to marry a guy with 5 years of life left...it ain't love that's for sure......gold digger...or maybe "grave digger"

I wrote a eulogy for mom and read it at her service. I love and miss you, mom: They say a person’s greatest strength is often also their greatest weakness. I believe mom’s greatest strength was her generosity and selflessness. Mom’s focus was always on her family and their welfare, not on herself. As a wife, mom was second to none. She wanted nothing more than my dad’s success and happiness. Mom’s happiness was my dad’s happiness. When I was a child I remember my dad coming home from work and they would lie on the bed and talk for hours about my dad’s day. My dad’s happiness meant the world to mom. And I enjoyed watching it because it made my mom smile. Mom also put her children before herself. Mom’s favorite holiday was Christmas. She loved everything about it. She created traditions I cherish to this day. I always got so excited for the elves to come, to open a day on the advent calendar, or to eat Schnitzel and Pommes Frits. When the day finally arrived I was so excited...

My mother passed away on March 2, 2008 at 6:30 in the morning. She went quietly in her sleep. I went home about three weeks ago because she had an exacerbation of her symptoms from COPD. She was in the ICU and was intubated. It was terrible to see my mother sick like that. She was delirous at times and didn't even know where she was, who was around, what time it was, the date, or anything. She slowly gained back her senses, but it took about 7 days. Then they released her back home. So, I stayed for two days and she seemed like the old mom. Still sick, but much better than what her condition was in the ICU. I was soo sad to see my mom suffer like that. She was soo afraid of dying and of sufficating to death. She often couldn't breathe. It scared me soo much. I knew she would pass away, but didn't know when. I really thought she would have at least 3 to 6 months left. But, in only three weeks she was back in the ICU and they told my dad that if they intubated her again that ...

You know, I love to travel. I have lived and visted many places in my life up to now. I have traveled way more than the average person. I didn't realize this, until I started talking to people and realized that most folks don't travel very far from their own home. Let's see, where have I lived? I have lived in South Dakota, Minnesota, Hawaii, Colorado, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Ohio, Germany, and Kansas. In the U.S. I have visited (including where I have lived) starting west and moving east: Hawaii, Alaska, California, Washington, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Wisconsin, South Dakota, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Vermont, New Hampshire, West Virginia, and Georgia. I think that's it. My favorite places in the U.S. are all of Hawaii, Alaska, parts of Colorado, New York City, and Chicago. In terms of countries,...

about nothing.......